ActiveListening.pdf

13 Apr,2022

Contents

Listening and Leadership

The Active Listening Skill Set Pay Attention Hold Judgment Reflect Clarify Summarize Share

Barriers to Active Listening The Image of Leadership Silence as Agreement External Pressures Lack of Know-how Individual Makeup Time and Place Emotion Cultural Differences

How to Improve Your Listening Skills

Leading with Active Listening

Suggested Readings

Background

Key Point Summary

Lead Contributor

Ideas Into Action Guidebooks

Aimed at managers and executives who are concerned with theirown and others’ development, each guidebook in this series gives

specific advice on how to complete a developmental task or solve aleadership problem.

LEAD CONTRIBUTOR Michael H. Hoppe

CONTRIBUTORS

Wilfred DrathChris ErnstCynthia D. McCauleyLisa Moye

DIRECTOR OF PUBLICATIONS Martin WilcoxEDITOR Peter Scisco

ASSOCIATE EDITOR Karen MayworthWRITER Rebecca Garau

DESIGN AND LAYOUT Joanne Ferguson

CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS Laura J. GibsonChris Wilson, 29 & Company

All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means,electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without

the prior written permission of the publisher.

CCL No. 430ISBN-13: 978-1-882197-94-1

ISBN-10: 1-882197-94-1

Center for Creative LeadershipPost Office Box 26300

Greensboro, North Carolina 27438-6300336-288-7210

www.ccl.org/publicationspfeiffer.com/go/cclguidebooks

The Ideas Into Action Guidebook Series This series of guidebooks draws on the practical knowledge that theCenter for Creative Leadership (CCL®) has generated, since itsinception in 1970, through its research and educational activityconducted in partnership with hundreds of thousands of managers andexecutives. Much of this knowledge is shared—in a way that is distinctfrom the typical university department, professional association, orconsultancy. CCL is not simply a collection of individual experts,although the individual credentials of its staff are impressive; rather it isa community, with its members holding certain principles in commonand working together to understand and generate practical responses totoday’s leadership and organizational challenges. The purpose of the series is to provide managers with specific adviceon how to complete a developmental task or solve a leadershipchallenge. In doing that, the series carries out CCL’s mission to advancethe understanding, practice, and development of leadership for thebenefit of society worldwide. We think you will find the Ideas IntoAction Guidebooks an important addition to your leadership toolkit.

Executive Brief Active listening is a person’s willingness and ability to hear and understand. At its

core, active listening is a state of mind that involves paying full and careful attentionto the other person, avoiding premature judgment, reflecting understanding, clarifyinginformation, summarizing, and sharing. By learning and committing to the skills andbehaviors of active listening, leaders can become more effective listeners and, overtime, improve their ability to lead.

Listening and Leadership

Jim is a smart, successful leader and a likeable coworker. Six monthsago, he took on a job with greater responsibility in a new division. Tohis surprise, he’s having difficulty leading his new group. He is unableto pinpoint the reason for the friction between himself and several of hisdirect reports, and he’s frustrated that his new group hasn’t jelled. Hecalls one of his direct reports in to address the issue. Here’s how itgoes: Jim: Mary, we need to talk. There’s obviously some friction betweenus, and it’s having a bad effect on the whole group. What’s the problem? Mary (caught off guard and not knowing where to start): Well, Iwould say that one problem is that we don’t have enough flexibility—(Jim’s cell phone rings; he answers it and swivels his chair, lookingout the window while he talks.) Jim (ending the call and turning back to Mary): Okay, you weresaying…? Mary: …that we don’t have enough flexibility— Jim: Not enough flexibility? No, that’s not it. We have that floatingholiday, and you can take your lunch hour anytime between 12:00 and1:30. How much more flexibility do you want? Mary: It’s just that it would help a lot if I could take a shorter lunchand leave a few minutes earlier in the afternoon. If I don’t get to myson’s daycare by 6:00, they charge me a dollar a minute— Jim: Now, Mary, you know you can’t expect special favors justbecause you have a child. That wouldn’t be fair to everyone else. Mary (voice trembling, but trying to maintain composure): I see… Jim (standing abruptly and motioning Mary toward the door): Yes!Well! Thank you! I’m glad we had this talk! And remember that my dooris always open. Thanks! Fortunately, most real leaders do better than Jim. But like him, manytake for granted their ability to listen to others. They are often surprised

to find out that their peers, direct reports, or bosses think they don’tlisten well and are impatient, judgmental, arrogant, or unaware. Assessments of thousands of leaders in CCL’s database indicate thatmany leaders have development needs that directly relate to theirlistening skills:

dealing with people’s feelings accepting criticism well

trying to understand what other people think before makingjudgments about them encouraging direct reports to share using feedback to make necessary changes in their behavior being open to the input of others putting themselves in another person’s shoes and imagining thatperson’s point of view

Impact of Poor Listening

The impact of not listening well is far-reaching. Colleagues, direct reports, andothers often describe poor listeners in these ways:

The ability to listen effectively is an essential component of

leadership, and most leaders know they need to be good listeners to beeffective. Although they may have the best intentions, they don’t knowspecifically what to do or to avoid doing to become better listeners. Bylearning the skills and behaviors of active listening, you can become amore effective listener and leader. You can use active listening withdirect reports, peers, customers, bosses, stakeholders, and others to

hear accurately understand draw out ideas and information empathize gather information show respect build self-esteem find answers show appreciation

buy time connect question assumptions and ideas weigh options change perspectives soothe or heal set the stage for something else build relationships

To begin, assess your listening skills with the worksheet on thefollowing pages.

Assess Your Listening Skills Do you have a listening problem? To assess how well you listen to others, rate

yourself on the following behaviors. Use a fivepoint scale:

When I listen to others: 1. ___ I sit behind my desk, accept phone calls, shuffle papers, or otherwise

communicate by my activities or gestures that I am not fully attentive. 2. ___ I have a hard time concentrating on what is being said. 3. ___ I am annoyed when someone slows me down. 4. ___ I think about what I want to say next rather than about what the other

person is saying. 5. ___ I don’t like it when someone questions my ideas or actions. 6. ___ I interrupt or show signs of impatience as I wait for the other person to finish

talking. 7. ___ I give advice too soon; I suggest courses of action or solutions to problems

before the other person has fully explained his or her perspective. 8. ___ I tell people not to feel the way they do. 9. ___ I sense that people seem upset after talking to me. 10. ___ I tend to talk significantly more than the other person talks. 11. ___ I make it a point to fill any silences.

12. ___ I am uncomfortable or at a loss when the other person expresses emotions. 13. ___ I have a hard time understanding what people are trying to say. 14. ___ I avoid asking any questions that would encourage the other person to talk

more. 15. ___ I ask questions for which I already have the answers. 16. ___ I expect yes or no answers. 17. ___ I frequently lose track of where the conversation is going. 18. ___ I have a hard time remembering what has been said when a conversation is

over. 19. ___ I frequently discover that things the other person and I have agreed upon

during a conversation don’t get done. 20. ___ I avoid having things repeated, by the other person or myself. 21. ___ I keep my thoughts to myself. 22. ___ I keep my feelings to myself. 23. ___ I avoid sharing personal experiences. 24. ___ I try hard not to let the other person know how his or her behavior during

the conversation affects me. We’ll revisit this assessment further along in this guidebook.

The Active Listening Skill Set

Active listening is a person’s willingness and ability to hear andunderstand. Many of us intuitively know what active listening looks,sounds, and feels like. However, we may not know what to do to besuccessful at it. By learning the skills and behaviors of active listening,leaders can become more effective listeners and, over time, improvetheir ability to lead. It is useful to think of active listening as an exchange between people.On one level, the quality of a conversation can be improved when oneperson is engaged in active listening. Leaders who practice activelistening are able to draw out more information and more meaningfulinformation during a conversation. At its most engaging and effective,active listening is the norm for conversation and everyone involved is afull participant. It involves bringing about and finding common ground,connecting to each other, and opening up to new possibilities. Active listening involves six skills: paying attention, holdingjudgment, reflecting, clarifying, summarizing, and sharing. Each skillcontributes to the active listening mind-set, and each skill includesvarious techniques or behaviors. These skills are not mutually exclusive.For example, paying attention isn’t something you stop doing when youstart holding judgment. Nor are the skills consistently weighted inimportance. In one conversation, clarifying may take much effort andtime; in another conversation, gaining clarity and understanding may bequick and easy.

Pay Attention A primary goal of active listening is to set a comfortable tone and allowtime and opportunity for the other person to think and speak. By payingattention to your behavior and that of the other person, you create thesetting for productive dialogue. Pay attention to the following:

Your frame of mind. Cultivate an active listening mind-set. Get in theframe of mind of a listener and learner. Be present, focused on themoment. Remember that your intention is to connect to and understand—not interrogate—the other person. Operate from a place of respect,letting yourself empathize with the other person. Be comfortable beingsilent. Remember that you’ll need to accurately summarize the otherperson’s ideas, concerns, and feelings at the end of the discussion, soprepare to do so. Your body language. Maintain comfortable eye contact. Showinterest. Lean forward. Maintain open body position and posture. Givenonverbal affirmations. Nod to show that you understand. Smile, whenappropriate to content. Indicate understanding and keep the other persontalking. The other person. Observing and hearing effectively require carefulattention. Pay close attention to the other person’s nonverbal and verbalbehavior in order to pick up on the important information that it offers,and then to make sense of it. There are often cues that convey the type ofemotion that underlies the perspective the other person is expressing,

and also the level of that emotion. Look for and pay attention to the toneof voice, intensity, loudness, facial expressions, and physical posture.Watch for shifts in body, language, and voice. By focusing on the otherperson and being present in the moment, you convey that your primarypurpose is to understand his or her point of view.

Hold Judgment Active listening requires an open mind. As a listener and a leader, youneed to be open to new ideas, new perspectives, and new possibilities.Even when good listeners have strong views, they suspend judgment,hold their criticism, and avoid arguing or selling their point of viewright away. Tell yourself, “I’m here to understand how the other personsees the world. It is not time to judge or give my view.” Holding judgment is particularly important when tensions run high. Letthe other side vent or blow off steam if needed. Don’t jump immediatelyto problem solving or offering advice. Again, be comfortable not talking.Your main job is to listen and pay attention. This does not mean that youagree; it shows that you are trying to understand. Practice empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someoneelse’s shoes, to temporarily live in that person’s world without makingany judgments about the situation. Demonstrating empathy is thebehavior that expresses your willingness to understand the otherperson’s situation. For example, “I’d be excited too if I had suchattractive options before me” or “It must be really hard to make thischoice.” It conveys respect for the other person and his or her views andexperiences. Indicate your open mind. Show your genuine intention to be openminded by saying something like “I’m coming from another perspectiveand I want to understand your view” or “My goal here is to understand,not to judge or make a decision.” Acknowledge difference. Each person brings a unique perspective toa situation. Experience, culture, personal background, and currentcircumstances all contribute to the way people react at work.Communicate that you’d like to understand things through the other

person’s unique lens. Be patient. Slow your pace to allow the other person to talk andelaborate. Don’t speed the conversation along. Allow pauses; becomfortable with silence.

Reflect Like a mirror, reflect information and emotions without agreeing ordisagreeing. Use paraphrasing—a brief, periodic recap of the otherperson’s key points—to confirm your understanding. Reflecting the otherperson’s information, perspective, and feelings is a way to indicate thatyou hear and understand. Don’t assume that you understand correctly orthat the other person knows you’ve heard. The ability to reflect his orher content as well as feelings creates strong rapport and deepens theexploration. Paraphrase information. Demonstrate that you are tracking with theinformation presented by periodically restating the other’s basic ideas,emphasizing the facts. Responses such as “What I’m hearing is…” and“Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying…” allow you toidentify any disconnects and signal to the other person that you aregetting it. Paraphrase emotion. Identifying the feeling message thataccompanies the content is equally important, but often morechallenging. Yet reflecting the other person’s emotions is an effectiveway to get to the core of the issue. The feeling message may becontained in the words used, the tone of voice, the body language, or acombination of all these things. Using this technique shows the otherperson that you are paying close attention and that you are putting energyinto understanding what he or she is communicating to you. It may alsohelp others by providing clarity about feelings they are experiencing butnot consciously aware of. Here are some examples of paraphrasingemotion:

You seem to have doubts about…

It seems to me that you are feeling very happy about… Sounds as if you’re feeling pretty frustrated and stuck.

Clarify Double-check on any issue that is ambiguous or unclear. Open-ended,clarifying, and probing questions are important tools. Open-ended questions. These questions draw people out andencourage them to expand their ideas. They allow you to uncover hiddenissues. They also encourage people to reflect, rather than justifying ordefending a position, or trying to guess the “right answer.” Open-endedquestions can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. For example:

What are your thoughts on…? What led you to draw this conclusion? What would happen next?

Clarifying questions. These questions help ensure understanding andclear up confusion. They define problems, uncover gaps in information,and encourage accuracy and precision. Any who, what, where, when,how, or why question can be a clarifying question, but those are not theonly possibilities. For example:

Let me see if I’m clear. Are you talking about…? I must have missed something. Could you repeat that? I am not sure that I got what you were saying. Can you explain itagain another way?

Probing questions. These questions introduce new ideas orsuggestions. Often they highlight details and contain an element ofchallenge. By asking probing questions, you invite reflection and athoughtful response instead of telling others what to do. This fostersownership of decisions and outcomes, and serves to develop problem-

solving capacity in others. For example:

More specifically, what are some of the things you’ve tried? How direct have you been with Marcus about the consequences forthe sales force if the situation doesn’t change? What is it in your own leadership approach that might becontributing to Tonya’s failure to meet her deadlines?

Summarize This is a brief restatement of core themes raised by the other person asthe conversation proceeds. Summarizing helps people see their keythemes, and it confirms and solidifies your grasp of their points of view.Again, the summary does not necessarily imply agreement ordisagreement by you, but merely allows you to close the loop. It maylead to additional questions as a transition to problem solving. It alsohelps both parties to be clear on mutual responsibilities and follow-up. Briefly summarize what you have understood as you listened: “Itsounds as if your main concern is…” or “These seem to be the keypoints you have expressed….” In addition to—or instead of—doing thesummarizing yourself, you may ask the other person to summarize:“What have you heard so far?” or “To make sure we’re on the samepage, would you please summarize for both of us the key plans we’veagreed upon today?”

Share Being an active listener doesn’t mean being a sponge, passively soakingup the information coming your way. You are an active party to theconversation with your own thoughts and feelings. Yet active listening isfirst about understanding the other person, then about being understood.That’s hard for anyone to learn and apply. It may be especially hard forpeople in leadership roles, who may have been led to believe that they

need to be understood first so that others can follow them. As you gain a clearer understanding of the other person’s perspective,it’s time to introduce your ideas, feelings, and suggestions, and addressany concerns. It’s time to share your view and to collaborate onsolutions and next steps. For example:

Your telling me…triggered the thought that… I felt so happy when it became clear to me from what you said that Iwasn’t the only one feeling that way. May I share something similar?

Barriers to Active Listening

Most people would see some of the skills and behaviors associated withactive listening as basic courtesy (not interrupting, for example). Butother active listening skills (such as asking clarifying questions) are lessfamiliar and therefore may require teaching and practice. Leaders whoseek to improve their ability to actively listen may face a number ofbarriers.

The Image of Leadership The role of listening can seem to contradict common cultural notions ofwhat a leader is. In a society that values leaders who are actionoriented, charismatic, visionary, and directive, the expectation is thatleaders should have the answers, call the shots, and do all the talking.Our emphasis on the performance of leaders cuts into their ability to bequiet and listen. Interestingly, leaders believe they listen just as much asthey talk. But studies show they do 80 percent of the talking in theirinteractions with others.

Silence as Agreement Listening quietly can also be confused with agreement or acceptance ofthe other’s ideas and perspective. When leaders disagree or haveadditional ideas and information, they may be quick to debate orrespond. Active listening allows different viewpoints to be aired andassessed. It does not require you to discount or hold back your ownopinion or objections; however, it does require allowing sufficient timeto learn, uncover assumptions, and seek clarity—all with an open mind.

External Pressures

A volatile, uncertain, complex, or ambiguous environment makes ittempting not to listen. The daily demands placed on leaders make itdifficult to slow down, focus, inquire, and listen. At the same time, oneof the critical skills for dealing with uncertain conditions is to activelysolicit information and make sense of it. Communicating effectively—especially the ability to listen well—is a survival skill.

Lack of Know-how Listening is a neglected communication skill. Much of the emphasis oncommunication by leaders is about how to effectively “get your messageout.” Less effort is made to ensure that leaders accurately receive themessages of others.

Individual Makeup An individual’s experience (whether accustomed to workingcollaboratively or independently, for example) and personality (such asaction driven, impatient, talk oriented, or reserved) may also createbarriers to effective active listening.

Time and Place Listening is particularly challenging when you aren’t in the same roomwith those with whom you are working. Telephone calls and videoconferences are impersonal, nonverbal cues are missing, technology maybe distracting, and the lure of multitasking is strong. Active listening maybe all the more important given the reality of working routinely acrosstime zones and with coworkers anywhere in the world.

Emotion When people express strong feelings, it may be tempting to react quickly

or passionately. It’s better to use active listening to ease tensions,address conflict, and find common ground for solving problems. Low-grade emotions, too, can make it difficult to listen well. When a leader isnegotiating with someone he or she doesn’t respect, it may be aparticular challenge to listen without judging, to be patient, and so on.Emotions are always going to play a role at work; a good leader is ableto manage his or her feelings and help others to manage theirs.

Cultural Differences The way we work, communicate, and lead is deeply connected to ourcultural backgrounds. Routine or natural behaviors can be misinterpretedand can create unexpected problems when you are working with peoplewhose cultural backgrounds are different from yours. Similarly, ideasand techniques that leaders learn—including techniques of activelistening—have some level of cultural bias. While active listening mayallow you to better communicate in culturally diverse settings, it isimportant to be mindful of your own assumptions and interpretations.

How to Improve Your Listening Skills

This section offers specific tips and activities to help you practice andhone your active listening skills. Look back at the assessment that youcompleted on pages 10–11. If you gave yourself a 4 or 5 on any item,find that item below. We’ve listed tips for addressing each one; use themargin to add ideas of your own. Then use our suggestions and yourideas to set goals and practice plans. 1. I sit behind my desk, accept phone calls, shuffle papers….

Select a place and time that make distractions and disruptions lesslikely. Ask others not to disturb you. If you are in the middle of something important, ask the otherperson for a few minutes to complete your task. Then pay fullattention to him or her.

2. I have a hard time concentrating on what is being said.

Turn toward the other person, make eye contact, and remove thingsin front of you that may distract you. With permission from the other person, take notes to help youremember important points. If a session gets long, suggest a breather.

3. I am annoyed when someone slows me down.

Consider the potential costs of not slowing down and listening tothe other person. Offer the other person a specified amount of time during which youwill be fully attentive. If the conversation is not finished by then,suggest another time to continue. Be proactive. Make room on your calendar every day to walk

around and visit with people. Let them know you want to hear theirconcerns, suggestions, and needs.

4. I think about what I want to say next….

Set a goal of being able to repeat the last sentence the other personhas said. Allow yourself time to formulate your response after the otherperson finishes speaking. Remind yourself that your primary goal as a listener is tounderstand, not to fix.

5. I don’t like it when someone questions my ideas or actions.

Ask yourself why you think that your ideas and actions can’t beimproved upon. Ask someone you trust to give you feedback when you come acrossas a know-it-all. Pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, facialexpressions, and gestures when you’re questioned.

6. I interrupt or show signs of impatience….

Focus on what is being said, not what you want to say. Give the other person permission to call you on interrupting him orher. Allow yourself time to formulate your response after the otherperson finishes speaking.

7. I give advice too soon….

Consider that the other person may primarily need to be heard andunderstood. Ask open-ended questions that encourage the other person to offerideas.

Don’t be afraid of silence. It gives the other person a chance tocontinue, and it gives you a chance to collect your thoughts.

8. I tell people not to feel the way they do.

Feelings are real for the people experiencing them. Don’t expectpeople not to have them. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and include them in yourinterpretation of what’s going on. Ask the other person to describe how his or her feelings affectwork and relationships.

9. I sense that people seem upset after talking to me.

Summarize the key points you heard the other person make. Askwhether that was what he or she was trying to communicate. Ask someone you trust to observe you during conversations withothers and give you feedback. List two or three things that you may have done to contribute to theother person’s reaction. At an opportune time, check them out withhim or her.

10. I tend to talk significantly more than the other person talks.

Apply the 80:20 rule. Do 80 percent of the listening and 20 percentof the talking. Periodically paraphrase what you have heard the other person say:“Let me see whether I heard you correctly…” Don’t be afraid of silence. It gives the other person a chance tocontinue, and it gives you a chance to collect your thoughts.

11. I make it a point to fill any silences.

Ask yourself why you’re uncomfortable with silence. Extrovertedpreferences? Desire to appear decisive?

Don’t be afraid of silence. It gives the other person a chance tocontinue, and it gives you a chance to collect your thoughts. Admit your discomfort with silence to the other person: “I feel theurge to respond immediately, but I want to hear as much as possiblefrom you.”

12. I am uncomfortable…when the other person expressesemotions.

Remember that emotions can provide important data. They can tellyou what’s behind the spoken words. Pay attention to the tone of voice, body language, and the use ofspecific words. Name the emotions as you notice them: “You seem worriedabout…. Tell me more about it.”

13. I have a hard time understanding what people are trying to say.

Use open-ended, clarifying, and probing questions. Ask people to give you the essence of what they’re trying to say.Repeat what you hear, and invite corrections and additions. If others are present, ask someone else to state what he or sheheard.

14. I avoid asking any questions that would encourage….

Be clear about why you are having a conversation. Almost anyvalid reason requires you to ask questions and allow the otherperson to talk. You might ask a person who tends to be long-winded to list thetopics he or she wants to discuss and give you the list in advance. Suggest a time and place for the conversation where you can berelaxed and unhurried.

Create Listening Reminders Use images or your own shorthand to create active listening reminders for yourself.

You may copy the active listening graphic on page 13 and keep it taped to yourcomputer. Shrink the graphic and tuck it into your wallet or keep it with yournotebook or PDA. Draw or find your own image of what active listening means toyou. Or reverse the approach—find an image of what poor listening can do, and usethat as your reminder. Some leaders just write LISTEN at the top of their notes ateach meeting.

Remind yourself of specific behaviors. If you are working on a specific skill ofactive listening, give yourself a cue or reminder. Perhaps you are focused on notinterrupting; you could keep a note or card handy that says “Don’t interrupt!” Or ifyou are honing your questioning skills, refer to a list of open-ended, clarifying, andprobing questions that you’ve brought with you.

When you can plan ahead for a discussion or meeting, work out your active listeningstrategy ahead of time just as you would think through the content of the meeting.What is your goal, and how will active listening help you achieve that goal? Map outspecific behaviors, questions, and ideas so you will have reminders in the midst ofthe meeting.

15. I ask questions for which I already have the answers.

Avoid doing this. Such an approach isn’t appropriate for activelistening. Consider that doing this may make the other person feelmanipulated. If you have a possible answer, offer it and encourage the otherperson to reflect on its potential strengths and shortcomings.

16. I expect yes or no answers.

Remind yourself that such an expectation is not appropriate foractive listening. Review the information in this guidebook about open-ended,clarifying, and probing questions. Avoid dead-end questions that ask for confirmation instead ofinsight: “Don’t you think that…?”

17. I frequently lose track of where the conversation is going.

Periodically paraphrase what you have heard the other person say:“Let me see whether I heard you correctly…” If you do lose track, ask for help: “I don’t follow. Will you help mesee where this is going?” Remind yourself of the original purpose of the conversation.

18. I have a hard time remembering what has been said….

With permission from the other person, take notes to help youremember important points. At the end of the conversation, summarize the key points and ask forverification. Or ask the other person to summarize. If the conversation is important enough and both of you arecomfortable with having it recorded, do so.

19. I frequently discover that things…don’t get done.

Toward the end of the conversation, state what you and the otherperson are committing to do—and by when. Ask the other person to send you a brief written summary of his orher agreed-upon actions. Consider that cultural dynamics may be at play, and follow up asneeded.

20. I avoid having things repeated, by the other person or myself.

Remind yourself that repetition helps to ensure that you understandwhat the other person means to say. Periodically ask each other what you have heard the other say tocatch any miscommunication early. If others are present, ask someone else to state what he or sheheard.

21. I keep my thoughts to myself.

Being an active listener includes sharing your thoughts. Justremember that your primary objective is to understand; beingunderstood is secondary. Build on what the other person says: “That triggered the followingthought for me.” Use a you-first approach. Sharing your thoughts first may squelchthe other person’s ideas.

22. I keep my feelings to myself.

Being an active listener includes sharing your feelings. By sharingthem, at a level comfortable to you, you can convey empathy andactive engagement. Use the SBI technique. Describe the situation in which the otherperson’s behavior occurred, describe the behavior, and explain theimpact that it had on you. Given that few of us can conceal our feelings, it makes sense toshare them and, by naming them, to gain control over them.

23. I avoid sharing personal experiences.

Remember that they are potentially tremendous sources for teachingand connecting with the other person. Start off with someone you trust and relatively safe topics. Do avoid sharing personal experiences to lecture or to diminish theother person’s experience.

24. I try hard not to let the other person know….

Do the opposite. If the behavior is inappropriate, it gives theperson an opportunity to correct it or to apologize and explain. Use the SBI technique. Describe the situation in which the otherperson’s behavior occurred, describe the behavior, and explain theimpact that it had on you.

Invite the other person to let you know how your behavior affectshim or her.

Leading with Active Listening

Remember Jim, the leader who’s having trouble with several of hisdirect reports? With active listening skills and a chance to go back intime, his talk with Mary could go something like this: Jim: Mary, I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I sense that something isgetting in the way of our working well together (pauses; Mary nods).I’d like to try to understand and change that (Mary nods again). It wouldhelp me to hear your observations. Mary (not knowing exactly how to start): Well, I would say that oneproblem is that we don’t have enough flexibility—(Jim’s cell phonerings.) Jim (reaching for the phone, setting it to silent and putting it away):I’m sorry. I forgot to turn the ringer off. You were saying that we don’thave enough flexibility? Mary: Right. Our schedule is pretty rigid, and with the kind of workwe do, there’s really no reason it has to be that way. And in my case, itwould help a lot to be able to take a shorter lunch and then leave a fewminutes earlier in the afternoon. If I don’t get to my son’s daycare by6:00, they charge me a dollar for every minute I’m late. Jim: Wow, a dollar a minute? That could add up. Even just fiveminutes a day, five days a week… Mary (voice trembling, but trying to maintain composure): And evenworse than that was the day when I was the very last parent to get there.Nick’s teacher was mad, and he looked so scared. He told me later thathe was afraid I wasn’t going to come at all… Jim (nodding): I see what you mean. I don’t have kids myself, so I’venever had to deal with that kind of thing, but I can see that it would bevery upsetting. So let’s see—your idea was to take a shorter lunch andthen leave a little earlier in the afternoon? Mary: Yes. Jim: That works for me. You’d have just as much time for your work,

and you wouldn’t have to worry about being late for Nick. It’s fine to goahead and start today, if you like. I’m glad we had this talk. Mary: Me too. Thank you so much. Jim: Thank you too. Active listening can make a huge difference in our interactions withothers. Working relationships become more solid, based on trust,respect, and honesty. Leaders benefit from the depth of engagement andinformation that can come as a result; it lets them plan and proceed withgreater insight and knowledge. Active listening is not an optionalcomponent of leadership; it is not a nicety to be used to make others feelgood. It is, in fact, a critical component of the tasks facing today’sleaders.